Hollow Inside

So, I doubt this has anything to do with my focus in this blog, except for little aspects here and there, and perhaps the means to find a solution.

I believe sometime in January [at the new years party, I suppose it was sort of like a resolution, though I haven't thought of it like that until now], but I decided to set about ridding my life of things that make me unhappy, such as worthless items, drama filled people, and anyone and everything else that I felt was holding me back and impacting my life poorly.

At this time I was dating the boy who is not my ex, and I remember being miserable at this party because he was not there, after I invited him and offered to pick him up, and to top it off he was freaking out because I was not texting back fast enough. Seriously, chill. Mom could see I was clearly unhappy, and next thing I know I am completely ignoring my phone, and having a blast with Mom'm friend's son, Chris. We were some goofy fuckers that night, and in the end it turned out to be a really good night. I believe it was days later I actually broke up with him, [not chris so no one is confused]

I know he sees my as the bad guy, but it was puppy love, his maturity level was far different then mine, and we couldn't really connect on the same things. I don;t know if he realizes this now or not, but I tried to explain it to him so many times.\

I know you asking me by now, "Where the fuck are you going with this?! and honestly I do not know, I;m hoping if I get some things out I can see other aspects I may have missed that I can use now to gain from.

I told myself no more boys, or at least ones that did not have their shit together, and couldn't hold a meaningful conversation about religion, politics, or something of a more serious nature then video games, and movies.

By the end of January, I had a new boyfriend.

However, I new he was different from the get go. WE would talk to each other and have these epic long conversations. It was not simple sentence answers, and you knew when he spoke he was passionate about what he was saying, and he was not just speaking to hear himself talk [I hate people, and know people like that. [It'll be four months next week]

When we are together we are perfect, flawless. My mind eases [Unless I am with him, this never happens. Quick side story; When I was raging Saturday, and seeing red as you will, I went to his place and after a few moments of bitching and him calmly trying to make me see other sides of things, I fell into a mellow state, and care no more for what I was upset about. I tell my friend all the time that I sound like a broken record, because I am happiest when I am with my boy friend] Any other time, I am stressed, my mind is constantly racing [like it is now] I can never sleep, and sometimes [like now] breathe properly.

He is no psychic vampire, no gypsy, no super human being, nothing of the sorts that could possibly have some sort of power to tare down my shield like he does. Hell, he does not believe in any of the things like this, like I do. [Insert quote from Constantine, about not believing in demons, but the believe in you, here.]

I don't like being in control, working with out motive, I feel like Kratos in the God of War games, when I have to work for everyone, to get what I want but they are all working against me. Kratos succeeds and succeeds, but ultimately fail, what does that mean for me? Can I stop the fates? Fight back time?

Lately, once again, I have been looking for some sort of outlet. I've slightly started delving into Taoism, the show River Monsters is quickly becoming a favorite, and all I wanna do is read and study the ancient civilization's burial practices. But I don;t have time for anything anymore.

Work is sucking the life out of me.

I don't sleep much anymore, I don't eat right the majority of the time, Iv'e been incredibly stressed and confused, all the while trying to please Karma and getting no where.

Maybe I should sacrifice a goat...