So, I doubt this has anything to do with my focus in this blog, except for little aspects here and there, and perhaps the means to find a solution.
I believe sometime in January [at the new years party, I suppose it was sort of like a resolution, though I haven't thought of it like that until now], but I decided to set about ridding my life of things that make me unhappy, such as worthless items, drama filled people, and anyone and everything else that I felt was holding me back and impacting my life poorly.
At this time I was dating the boy who is not my ex, and I remember being miserable at this party because he was not there, after I invited him and offered to pick him up, and to top it off he was freaking out because I was not texting back fast enough. Seriously, chill. Mom could see I was clearly unhappy, and next thing I know I am completely ignoring my phone, and having a blast with Mom'm friend's son, Chris. We were some goofy fuckers that night, and in the end it turned out to be a really good night. I believe it was days later I actually broke up with him, [not chris so no one is confused]
I know he sees my as the bad guy, but it was puppy love, his maturity level was far different then mine, and we couldn't really connect on the same things. I don;t know if he realizes this now or not, but I tried to explain it to him so many times.\
I know you asking me by now, "Where the fuck are you going with this?! and honestly I do not know, I;m hoping if I get some things out I can see other aspects I may have missed that I can use now to gain from.
I told myself no more boys, or at least ones that did not have their shit together, and couldn't hold a meaningful conversation about religion, politics, or something of a more serious nature then video games, and movies.
By the end of January, I had a new boyfriend.
However, I new he was different from the get go. WE would talk to each other and have these epic long conversations. It was not simple sentence answers, and you knew when he spoke he was passionate about what he was saying, and he was not just speaking to hear himself talk [I hate people, and know people like that. [It'll be four months next week]
When we are together we are perfect, flawless. My mind eases [Unless I am with him, this never happens. Quick side story; When I was raging Saturday, and seeing red as you will, I went to his place and after a few moments of bitching and him calmly trying to make me see other sides of things, I fell into a mellow state, and care no more for what I was upset about. I tell my friend all the time that I sound like a broken record, because I am happiest when I am with my boy friend] Any other time, I am stressed, my mind is constantly racing [like it is now] I can never sleep, and sometimes [like now] breathe properly.
He is no psychic vampire, no gypsy, no super human being, nothing of the sorts that could possibly have some sort of power to tare down my shield like he does. Hell, he does not believe in any of the things like this, like I do. [Insert quote from Constantine, about not believing in demons, but the believe in you, here.]
I don't like being in control, working with out motive, I feel like Kratos in the God of War games, when I have to work for everyone, to get what I want but they are all working against me. Kratos succeeds and succeeds, but ultimately fail, what does that mean for me? Can I stop the fates? Fight back time?
Lately, once again, I have been looking for some sort of outlet. I've slightly started delving into Taoism, the show River Monsters is quickly becoming a favorite, and all I wanna do is read and study the ancient civilization's burial practices. But I don;t have time for anything anymore.
Work is sucking the life out of me.
I don't sleep much anymore, I don't eat right the majority of the time, Iv'e been incredibly stressed and confused, all the while trying to please Karma and getting no where.
Maybe I should sacrifice a goat...
Thursday, April 21, 2011
His Dream
I'm pretty sure he would be irked a bit if he knew I was writing about this; but the fact he does not see in his dreams what I see, or at least tries to understand them with what they might mean but instead blows them off, well that irks me.
He thinks its because hes been sick, and the game he has been playing has had some sort of influence, maybe character wise I will agree, but I still think there is meaning there.
Anyways, he said, "It was like I was being operated on by strange dark otherworldly creatures. Sucking my life force as they cut me open. Reconstructing me into a twisted being."
other then whatever feeling the dream gave him this is all he remembered.
I said something along the lines of him being confused and stressed, and that the being are all trying to have some sort of say so, or pull in his life, and that he cant please everyone but they will do what the can to construct him their way.
Obviously I have applied it to our lives with wanting to get a place to gether, hes looking for a second job, both of us want to go to school. Amongst, other things, that may be impacting our lives.
He says he not stressed though, and theres nothing he can do about this anyways... I think I got slightly offended...
I'm incredibly stressed lately.
Maybe he is right, maybe it means nothing.
He thinks its because hes been sick, and the game he has been playing has had some sort of influence, maybe character wise I will agree, but I still think there is meaning there.
Anyways, he said, "It was like I was being operated on by strange dark otherworldly creatures. Sucking my life force as they cut me open. Reconstructing me into a twisted being."
other then whatever feeling the dream gave him this is all he remembered.
I said something along the lines of him being confused and stressed, and that the being are all trying to have some sort of say so, or pull in his life, and that he cant please everyone but they will do what the can to construct him their way.
Obviously I have applied it to our lives with wanting to get a place to gether, hes looking for a second job, both of us want to go to school. Amongst, other things, that may be impacting our lives.
He says he not stressed though, and theres nothing he can do about this anyways... I think I got slightly offended...
I'm incredibly stressed lately.
Maybe he is right, maybe it means nothing.
Wednesday, April 20, 2011
Another Fringe Episode
I completely forgot I hat another one of my alternate reality // parallel universe dreams the other night, Saturday to be specific.
These dreams seem to only occur when I am at my boy friend's apartment and I am having trouble sleeping, falling asleep because of things going on with in the domicile.
Earlier that day I was cold, and I remember commenting on it, and being told that the heat was shut off because the roommate didn't want to pay the bill anymore, or have it as high, however it works there. [Yes I believe this played some significance].
I don't remember much, but here it goes.
I was trying to fall asleep in my dream, and hearing or smelling something, [I dont remember which sense picked it up] That the radiator had been plugged in next to the roommates bed, and she had left it on when she went else where. All I could think was Damn, theres gonna be a fire. I remember looking up at the ceiling and trying to move, and I couldn't my body just stayed no matter ow hard I tried. I finally could move my hands, and then proceeded to hit, push, poke whatever I could at my boy friend who was sleeping. When that wouldn't work I tried to talk, to get his attention my mouth was moving but nothing was coming out. I was freaking out, I could see the flickering on the ceiling.
Then I woke up. I was stiff, and out of breath. He was sleeping and lights were on. But everything was fine. I rolled over and wrapped my arm around him with this awful sick feeling.
Maybe it means nothing.
I have been involved in three fires though. One of which the neighbor of the duplex house fell asleep smoking, and I woke up to thick some in the air, everone rushing around the house to get their things and thinking, Why the fuck is no one waking me up? To this day I still have not a clue, but I get the same feeling when I dream of fires.
These dreams seem to only occur when I am at my boy friend's apartment and I am having trouble sleeping, falling asleep because of things going on with in the domicile.
Earlier that day I was cold, and I remember commenting on it, and being told that the heat was shut off because the roommate didn't want to pay the bill anymore, or have it as high, however it works there. [Yes I believe this played some significance].
I don't remember much, but here it goes.
I was trying to fall asleep in my dream, and hearing or smelling something, [I dont remember which sense picked it up] That the radiator had been plugged in next to the roommates bed, and she had left it on when she went else where. All I could think was Damn, theres gonna be a fire. I remember looking up at the ceiling and trying to move, and I couldn't my body just stayed no matter ow hard I tried. I finally could move my hands, and then proceeded to hit, push, poke whatever I could at my boy friend who was sleeping. When that wouldn't work I tried to talk, to get his attention my mouth was moving but nothing was coming out. I was freaking out, I could see the flickering on the ceiling.
Then I woke up. I was stiff, and out of breath. He was sleeping and lights were on. But everything was fine. I rolled over and wrapped my arm around him with this awful sick feeling.
Maybe it means nothing.
I have been involved in three fires though. One of which the neighbor of the duplex house fell asleep smoking, and I woke up to thick some in the air, everone rushing around the house to get their things and thinking, Why the fuck is no one waking me up? To this day I still have not a clue, but I get the same feeling when I dream of fires.
A Karma Mention
This really is not that important, but I found it amusing, especially so recently after posting my last blog about Karma [ http://unknownandcurious.blogspot.com/2011/04/karma-or-am-i-full-of-it.html ]
Anyways, When I got to my boy friend's house this weekend I was raging, seeing red as you will. My mom pushed my buttons, I got teased with a half pit bull puppy, my phone got shut off and I wound up using a strangers to call my bf to let him know I arrives, and my wind shield wiper blade on the drivers side swings the wrong way and the other one stopped working completely. All in all Saturday was a really bad day, at least the afternoon.
So, I am bitching to him, and swearing like a wannabe pirate should, and I start calling someone a really foul name, and the bf goes "You shouldn't call her that, come on now, thats got to be bad karma" and he starts laughing, and he was soooooo right.
Oh, I love the face my boy friend supports my habits and ideals, even if it is jokingly.
Anyways, When I got to my boy friend's house this weekend I was raging, seeing red as you will. My mom pushed my buttons, I got teased with a half pit bull puppy, my phone got shut off and I wound up using a strangers to call my bf to let him know I arrives, and my wind shield wiper blade on the drivers side swings the wrong way and the other one stopped working completely. All in all Saturday was a really bad day, at least the afternoon.
So, I am bitching to him, and swearing like a wannabe pirate should, and I start calling someone a really foul name, and the bf goes "You shouldn't call her that, come on now, thats got to be bad karma" and he starts laughing, and he was soooooo right.
Oh, I love the face my boy friend supports my habits and ideals, even if it is jokingly.
Saturday, April 16, 2011
Karma, Or am I Full of It?
A bit more random then my other posts, but I've noticed a lot more that lately I am trying to live life so to speak, and I am taking Karma far more seriously then what I have been.
Sure, I've always said [along with the rest of the population] that Karma is a bitch, what goes around comes around, and other sayings in the like. But I truly do believe this. I really began to take it into effect when a boy I was dating my semester of college cheated on me, lied to my face about it, and bragged to his best friend [he is still with her today, and I would be happy for them if she didnt completely use him and hit on every other male in the population, best friend included] Anyways, I had to tell myself that I got cheated on for a reason, and he will get what is coming to him.It was all that was making me feel better at that time. The more I told my self this, the more I latched onto it [I should also give a friend some credit here, though she and I dont speak much anymore and I miss her company, and talks, she always seemed serious about karma too, always saying to to do something, or be so mean because I'll get whats coming, I usually listened to her too]
Today, at work I was having a conversation with the tow motor guy and some how Karma came up. I think we were talking about being nice, and respectful to people if the are to you, even if you are enemies, you dont be mean or snarky, or whatever unless they are hostile first, and even then you [I in the case] should probably just ignore it. But I realized then that I do practice it, I tell my boy friend all the time that karma is a bitch, and not to throw his life away on stupid people. He claimed I was making him nice, I said I am looking out for his future,
...our future.
Sure, I've always said [along with the rest of the population] that Karma is a bitch, what goes around comes around, and other sayings in the like. But I truly do believe this. I really began to take it into effect when a boy I was dating my semester of college cheated on me, lied to my face about it, and bragged to his best friend [he is still with her today, and I would be happy for them if she didnt completely use him and hit on every other male in the population, best friend included] Anyways, I had to tell myself that I got cheated on for a reason, and he will get what is coming to him.It was all that was making me feel better at that time. The more I told my self this, the more I latched onto it [I should also give a friend some credit here, though she and I dont speak much anymore and I miss her company, and talks, she always seemed serious about karma too, always saying to to do something, or be so mean because I'll get whats coming, I usually listened to her too]
Today, at work I was having a conversation with the tow motor guy and some how Karma came up. I think we were talking about being nice, and respectful to people if the are to you, even if you are enemies, you dont be mean or snarky, or whatever unless they are hostile first, and even then you [I in the case] should probably just ignore it. But I realized then that I do practice it, I tell my boy friend all the time that karma is a bitch, and not to throw his life away on stupid people. He claimed I was making him nice, I said I am looking out for his future,
...our future.
Fringe Anyone?
So within the past month, I have been dreaming a lot more intensely then usual [and I dream a lot] but lately they have been more bothersome. It seems when I go to bed,I am physically in bed, but my mind, my subconscious has other plans. I wake up more tired than when I went to bed, sometimes out of breath, and feeling physically drained. But how do I explain this?
You see, my dreams have been consisting of me being in the actual place I am when I go to bed.
For example, the other night I was sleeping at the boy friends apartment, and I woke up with him when he went to work, knowing full well I would go back to sleep and he would come home. Well, the dream was I was sleeping in the bed and I heard the keys in the door, and the beads on the opposite side of the door rattle as it opened, and shut, thinking that yay hes home, i'll roll over and smile and kiss him like I always do. However it was not him, it was his roommate, and I looked at her and she was rushing and seemed panicked and was putting on a hoodie and told me to stay here, and keep the door locked, someone or something was after us. I thought what the fuck? and then woke up looking around confused as hell. The whole thing felt real, seemed real,my mind was racing, no one was in the apartment, nor had anyone come and gone. I texted my boy friend who said he would be home in a few minutes.
This was just the most recent too, I had another one there, I can only remember bits in pieces but same thing, I went to sleep every thing was sort of the same in the room, and when I woke up I had to do double and triple takes of everything, because everything seemed un real when in fact it was the normal way, the right and real way.
Perhaps I can some all this up into lack of sleep, too much stress and things on my mind. But I have had dreams like this in the past, but never this frequent.
I asked the man at work the other day of he believes in alternate dimensions or parallel universes and he said, no not really because it is not in the Bible; which he realities everything back to as it is his form of comfort, his way of understanding the world. Then he was on about something with renewing our lives, and we got into reincarnation again, but I never got my opinion on the realms.
In J.J. Abrams Fringe series, it is possible and it is only minor differences that completely changed the worlds. My dreams were not nearly as drastic but it was me, it was same settings doing the same things, just different things happening.
I really don't know what to think at this point.
You see, my dreams have been consisting of me being in the actual place I am when I go to bed.
For example, the other night I was sleeping at the boy friends apartment, and I woke up with him when he went to work, knowing full well I would go back to sleep and he would come home. Well, the dream was I was sleeping in the bed and I heard the keys in the door, and the beads on the opposite side of the door rattle as it opened, and shut, thinking that yay hes home, i'll roll over and smile and kiss him like I always do. However it was not him, it was his roommate, and I looked at her and she was rushing and seemed panicked and was putting on a hoodie and told me to stay here, and keep the door locked, someone or something was after us. I thought what the fuck? and then woke up looking around confused as hell. The whole thing felt real, seemed real,my mind was racing, no one was in the apartment, nor had anyone come and gone. I texted my boy friend who said he would be home in a few minutes.
This was just the most recent too, I had another one there, I can only remember bits in pieces but same thing, I went to sleep every thing was sort of the same in the room, and when I woke up I had to do double and triple takes of everything, because everything seemed un real when in fact it was the normal way, the right and real way.
Perhaps I can some all this up into lack of sleep, too much stress and things on my mind. But I have had dreams like this in the past, but never this frequent.
I asked the man at work the other day of he believes in alternate dimensions or parallel universes and he said, no not really because it is not in the Bible; which he realities everything back to as it is his form of comfort, his way of understanding the world. Then he was on about something with renewing our lives, and we got into reincarnation again, but I never got my opinion on the realms.
In J.J. Abrams Fringe series, it is possible and it is only minor differences that completely changed the worlds. My dreams were not nearly as drastic but it was me, it was same settings doing the same things, just different things happening.
I really don't know what to think at this point.
Friday, April 15, 2011
Awake In My Absence
My apologies for being away for quite some time now, i was doing really well on posting things, the small oddities that they maybe in my life weather itbe my beginnings in Taoism, or conspiracy theories at work. Well I have news for you, I've got some new topis as well as old. So, in due time posts about my Taoism readings are forth coming, my dreams of late ivolving alternate realites also know as a parellel universe (Fringe anyone) another talk, with a differnt guy at work about the coming end, as well as searching for a title for this blod, as nothing is seeming to fit.
My nickname may be monster, but this, what I talk about, happens to me, do not really consider that to be madeness. Not everything is paranormal, some is religious based, conspierices (i cant spell) and even karma plays a roll in all this. So, nothing, once again seems to fit. I need ideas, i need the perfect fit and once again I sound like a broken record.
Oh! One more thing. Whe I go back to school, I wannago for what I am passionate about, what I enjoy. But what I enjoy is not preactical. So, I am asking your help once more. What can I go to school for, and do as a living involving the paranormal, the dead and after life practices of ancient cultures compared to ours today, and make some sort of living... other than a college professor?
My nickname may be monster, but this, what I talk about, happens to me, do not really consider that to be madeness. Not everything is paranormal, some is religious based, conspierices (i cant spell) and even karma plays a roll in all this. So, nothing, once again seems to fit. I need ideas, i need the perfect fit and once again I sound like a broken record.
Oh! One more thing. Whe I go back to school, I wannago for what I am passionate about, what I enjoy. But what I enjoy is not preactical. So, I am asking your help once more. What can I go to school for, and do as a living involving the paranormal, the dead and after life practices of ancient cultures compared to ours today, and make some sort of living... other than a college professor?
Wednesday, April 6, 2011
The Complete Idiots Guide to Taoism
so lately ive been thinking a lot about things and this moring i remember a theology teach i had my junior year of high school and how she was not happy there and told me one day (because im giving you the short of this story) that her purpose to teach that year, at that school was so she could meet and influence me in some way, and as you know, i have few spiritual people in my life who can give me knowledge to factor into my own philosophies. anyways i remeber borrowing a book from her and she wound up letting me keep it. it the complete idiots guide to taoism, and today ive started reading it.
mind you im not going in any order because introductions bore the hell out of me. i went first to the life and death section, because death in any culture, beliefs and practices fasinate me probably beyond a persons normal existense.
so, i thought as i read this, and delve into the philosophical like religion i would make pots about what ive read and learned, and how things fits into my views spiritually, ad philosophically.
as for the terrible text in this post, ill edit it out when i get home from work tonight asi am typing this on my phoand it does not automaticall spell check for me, or anything of the sort.
mind you im not going in any order because introductions bore the hell out of me. i went first to the life and death section, because death in any culture, beliefs and practices fasinate me probably beyond a persons normal existense.
so, i thought as i read this, and delve into the philosophical like religion i would make pots about what ive read and learned, and how things fits into my views spiritually, ad philosophically.
as for the terrible text in this post, ill edit it out when i get home from work tonight asi am typing this on my phoand it does not automaticall spell check for me, or anything of the sort.
Tuesday, April 5, 2011
Work Conspiracy, and a Man's Fight for the Better
Lately, well since I’ve come back to work at the end of February after having been laid off it seems things have changed, almost like the head bosses, and the big shots in the office (I work n the factory floor) have been planning and plotting, and I'm not the only one that has noticed. Maybe it is because I am paranoid, but the other person that has noticed is a bit of a conspiracy theorist
He believes in extra terrestrials, the possibility of the coming end, and he’s incredibly religious but not the kind that shoves it down your throat. He is the kind that will form his opinion based off reading and facts and things in his life and will give you his opinion and tell you to formulate your own. A lot of people at work make fun of him, mock him, but not me. To me he is a source f infinite knowledge, a way to add to my own misunderstandings and beliefs. He also helps interpret my dreams.
Well not to long ago, I guess some shit hit the fan and he decided that it might be t to move on, look for another job. He took time off and everything.
Well he was here yesterday, Monday and we had a bit of a talk. Starting with asking me if I’ve noticed how things seemed to be changing..
Of course I said yes. Especially since after being laid off I was taken off the job was hired for (which was shipping) and was put on the main factory floor. Not long after me and another were brought back from laid off the bosses decided that they were going to hire more people and this did just, and still does not seem right , especially since I’ive been replaced. Now me and the man with e knowledge are doing the bull no one else does. We are constantly bounced from section to section and can’t make quota because we aren’t on anything long enough to get some sort of feel for the job if you will.
Anyways, We talked about how things get worse before they get better and he said something about not being able to appreciate the height of the mountain until you have walked the valley below. I don't remember how he said it but it was something like that. It made perfect sense, but in the case we were talking about him, and his rough past weeks, and how he believe things were going to start looking up. He said he could feel it, he could just tell. He said how he had hit the bad and that things seemed to be mellowing out. Then he talked about a money show on television that he wanted to money from...
Well today, he comes in and the boss walks in, and he goes, hey come look at my ticket and the boss asks him if he won and he says he won two hundred on an instant [ive never won more than five dollars and it was bought for me] and the boss laughed and says your buying lunch and walks out. Obviously, to him this meant nothing. But when I had a moment straight up asked him, "Do you think this is a sign?" and he looked at me and asked what I meant and I said as things looking up for you, getting better. He asked what I thought and I said after out talk the day before, which was yesterday, that I believe it was. He nodded his head and said his wife agreed.
Other than that, he was talking about Jesus' powers and how he said we can have them// use them too but he wanted to know how and started looking into other religions and seemed to be finding some sort of enlightenment, and gaining powers through their chakras.
I believe he is a strong man, and if anyone can use such powers, or learn the base knowledge of them, it will be him. He has exceptional knowledge about spirituality, his faith, and historical aspects, as well as coming even for the beginning of the end and what not.
I some how think he was meant to be in a chapter of my life, to teach me thinks, expand on things I need to know for my spirituality, and knowledge of the past and present and possibly future. He is one of two people I can talk too about things like this, and this is only the nutshell before the never ending abyss of information, that will, and is taking me more than one life time to gather.
We ended with thoughts of ressurection, and he told me to look into it more; and look into it more I will.
He believes in extra terrestrials, the possibility of the coming end, and he’s incredibly religious but not the kind that shoves it down your throat. He is the kind that will form his opinion based off reading and facts and things in his life and will give you his opinion and tell you to formulate your own. A lot of people at work make fun of him, mock him, but not me. To me he is a source f infinite knowledge, a way to add to my own misunderstandings and beliefs. He also helps interpret my dreams.
Well not to long ago, I guess some shit hit the fan and he decided that it might be t to move on, look for another job. He took time off and everything.
Well he was here yesterday, Monday and we had a bit of a talk. Starting with asking me if I’ve noticed how things seemed to be changing..
Of course I said yes. Especially since after being laid off I was taken off the job was hired for (which was shipping) and was put on the main factory floor. Not long after me and another were brought back from laid off the bosses decided that they were going to hire more people and this did just, and still does not seem right , especially since I’ive been replaced. Now me and the man with e knowledge are doing the bull no one else does. We are constantly bounced from section to section and can’t make quota because we aren’t on anything long enough to get some sort of feel for the job if you will.
Anyways, We talked about how things get worse before they get better and he said something about not being able to appreciate the height of the mountain until you have walked the valley below. I don't remember how he said it but it was something like that. It made perfect sense, but in the case we were talking about him, and his rough past weeks, and how he believe things were going to start looking up. He said he could feel it, he could just tell. He said how he had hit the bad and that things seemed to be mellowing out. Then he talked about a money show on television that he wanted to money from...
Well today, he comes in and the boss walks in, and he goes, hey come look at my ticket and the boss asks him if he won and he says he won two hundred on an instant [ive never won more than five dollars and it was bought for me] and the boss laughed and says your buying lunch and walks out. Obviously, to him this meant nothing. But when I had a moment straight up asked him, "Do you think this is a sign?" and he looked at me and asked what I meant and I said as things looking up for you, getting better. He asked what I thought and I said after out talk the day before, which was yesterday, that I believe it was. He nodded his head and said his wife agreed.
Other than that, he was talking about Jesus' powers and how he said we can have them// use them too but he wanted to know how and started looking into other religions and seemed to be finding some sort of enlightenment, and gaining powers through their chakras.
I believe he is a strong man, and if anyone can use such powers, or learn the base knowledge of them, it will be him. He has exceptional knowledge about spirituality, his faith, and historical aspects, as well as coming even for the beginning of the end and what not.
I some how think he was meant to be in a chapter of my life, to teach me thinks, expand on things I need to know for my spirituality, and knowledge of the past and present and possibly future. He is one of two people I can talk too about things like this, and this is only the nutshell before the never ending abyss of information, that will, and is taking me more than one life time to gather.
We ended with thoughts of ressurection, and he told me to look into it more; and look into it more I will.
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